perspectives
monthly articles
The articles in this section are changing periodically. Their aim is to emphasize an aspect of the Awareness Intensive process or more generally aspects of what is usually referred to as 'the path'.
Questions? - contact rakendra
~~~
A darkness adventure
Some years ago, a friend of mine mentioned that she was going to take part in a Darkness Retreat. As soon as I heard this, I knew I wanted to participate in one. I did not really know why, nor what I would do for 21 days in the dark. I just knew that some inner pull was steering me in that direction.
All I could foresee was that it would certainly help to relax my nervous system. During childhood I had had a few head injuries and I have never been able to completely heal these traumas. Even though I did work on these traumas in various workshops and individual sessions, there was never a sense of completion, so... maybe a stay in darkness, going back in the womb would calm down my nervous system.
Time passed….
A few months ago my body gave signs that something was not right. Lots of belly and lower abdominal pain, constipation, fatigue, etc…
So I decided to take the time to care for myself and started a four month healing journey that included fasting, colon cleaning, massages and resting; the last chunk of that journey was to be this Darkness Retreat.
I knew very little about what I was putting myself into, what I would go through or experience, what I would be asked to do. Yet I was confident that this was the right thing for me to do and I was looking forward to the experience.
I did a little bit of research beforehand and read about the scientific aspect of this process (darkness technology) and how, during a prolonged stay in darkness, the pineal gland is activated and transforms melatonin into serotonin and then into DMT (demethyltriptamine)…. thus enabling higher spiritual planes of consciousness to be experienced and to open the door to greater love and compassion.
I also read about the techniques that we would use but they felt complicated and way beyond my understanding at the time. All this was very interesting, yet not really helpful for me at that point; everything remained so mysterious!
Was I going in the wrong direction?
Do I really want to put myself through such a process?
I began to doubt…
Yet somehow I recognized that this was the mind at play, with its load of fears creeping in. The fear of dismantling, disturbing some well interwoven layers of security.
Realizing this, I smiled and my intention grew stronger and deeper; on the day we started I went in with a willingness to let happen what wanted to happen, to let existence take over.
I entered the unknown, I entered Darkness!
The retreat took place in a specially arranged building – similar to a cloister - were all the rooms are facing an 'atrium', an open center space, were we would all meet for practice. Every window and opening towards the outside was sealed so that not a ray of light could come in. A ventilation system coupled with ozone machines helped provide fresh and clear air.
I was lucky because I had arrived a few days earlier and was able to become familiar with the room and its environment. Although the room was already fully 'blind', electricity was available, so I could get my bearings clear before D-day.
The bed is here, the bathroom there, toilets here, shower there, and so on and so forth… I was also going to share the space with another participant, so I had to make sure to set up the space with some kind of boundaries so that our toothbrushes, our clothes, etc… would not get mixed up!!
I also set up my eating corner. I was taking some food supplements so I had to make sure that in the dark, I could recognize which bottle contained what and where it was!
One does need to know on which side of the shoes the umbrella is!1
A 'darkness retreat' certainly invites cultivating awareness and being intelligently practical!
This preparation also helped me to relax a little with finding my way around. On the Sunday night 7 pm, after a short introduction, the waiting was over, the retreat had started. I would now be in the dark for 21 days!
A few pearls of sweat started oozing from my forehead….
During the first few days my main focus was to try to understand the proposed technique as well as doing it the best I could. Other than some easy Chi-Kung exercises, we were mainly using the Taoist technique of Kan & Li, (Water & Fire), something that I could describe as using love to move sexual energy upwards; using love to transform sexual life energy. The technique also had a similar analogy with that of the Alchemist process of refining the philosophical stone, except that here we were asked to physically activate our 'inner fire' and to refine and transform our water-like life energy.
I could understand the principles, the goal, the intellectual side of it all, yet to physically put into practice something that had only been explained in the dark, was a real challenge to me. I felt as if I had jumped three grades at school.
Yet I was not stressed too much about this, it felt that practicing this technique was not really my goal for these next three weeks. What was I here for then? Well, since there was nothing else to look at but darkness wherever I turned my eyes, whether outside or inside, the only thing I could do, and was here to do, was to turn inwards!
I soon got the answer when I started noticing that my body was in stress when eating or doing simple little things. What was that? What should I do, how to take care…. can I let release what wants to be released? Some fear started creeping in…. panic too… I must add.
I had only one solution, to be open and let surface what wanted to surface. And it did surface; the door was open! Some deep emotional stress was being released, childhood fears of darkness, panic of being left alone, fear of dying in a car accident, emotional shock states also surfaced.…. Crying and weeping helped melt all this emotional stress.
It was not really 'new stuff'; to some degree I had already met all these before, so my introspective mind was in a way puzzled; what was behind all this?
A voice came from somewhere, never mind where it comes from, "let the weeping and crying do its work". So I did….
One thing that did help me during this phase was to use to consciously move my eyes from side to side2 with the intent of moving through and transforming this crisis. It acted as a walking stick that helped me remain conscious and centered in the midst of the emotional crisis.
I was surprised because this was not a technique that I only was vaguely familiar with; the impulse of using it must have come from a deeper source of wisdom in me?
This lasted for a couple of days and then vanished. A shift happened and my exploring child came back. During my free time, I was able 'to go on tours' and explore this atrium, even sit in the master's chair, as a little boy would sit in daddy's chair when he is not there.
It was healing for me to go on these tours, in the silence of this room. It healed the fear of darkness; it made the silence much more familiar.
The Kan & Li practice time was not easy for me. I was struggling to 'get it right', until I relaxed into my 'not knowing'.
I went through a sleeping phase. As soon as the practice was taught, I would fall asleep… a wave of doubt arose – I should be attentive… - and again I relaxed with this and felt warm and cozy drifting off during the practice. It felt like I was being nourished in a different way. Still, a part of me really wanted to do the Kan & Li practice, but it was getting more difficult for me, as in the second week, the practice was getting more complex.
The first week was connected with the Hara, the life center and the second week with the solar plexus. Something in me resisted this process.
My roommate had left after the first week, so I now had the whole space for myself and this was a relief for me as my weeping and crying seemed to bother him. Besides having the whole room, the whole space felt like a treat for me.
Although 'turning inwards' is quite a familiar routine for me, I really had the impression that all was new and that I was on the alchemist's path were V.I.T.R.I.O.L. (Visita Interiorem Terrae Rectificando Invenies Operae Lapidem), which could be translated as: 'Visit your Inner Earth and by Transforming it, you will find the Philosophical Stone', was my motto.
If I applied this to my own search, it could be something like: 'by turning inwards and taking care of my own darkness, I will be able to find the light, the source of being'.
Well, the strangest thing was that the more time past, the more I was going inwards, darker was the darkness, darker and darker and darker. It seemed that darkness had no end, yet this darkness was not quite the same, it started to carry a certain luminosity, a kind of 'friendly fragrance', something of a feeling of: 'yes I know this place' it's my own territory. Also, at times it would feel as if there was a full moon light shining somewhere. Yet darkness remained dark!
During the sharing time, some participants mentioned that they were seeing "violet lights", "red lights", etc… I was a little puzzled; for me, wherever I turned my eyes, darkness was there! Yes at times it 'kind of' felt as if I was under a full moon light but that sensation was impermanent, it had a 'touch and go' feel.
Although a part of me was craving for these types of experiences, I had to recognize that these participants had been practicing the Kan & Li formulas for quite a while previously. I was a beginner to this, not even knowing the ABC of it, so…. I also recognized that my initial intention for this retreat was not about 'seeing lights' and/or having 'psychedelic experiences', my focus was different.
What was my initial intention? Did I really have a clear intent? I had to admit, "not really"; my intent was vague, something in me knew why I was here but that knowledge remained on a non conscious level.
So… let's just be with what is happening, rather than pursuing some non realistic goal. An understanding emerged out of this. Looking back at my life I saw that many times I had done things in reverse order.
What was happening was in a way strange. During the rest periods and free time periods, an impulse came to touch my body as lightly as a feather, by just putting a finger on one thigh. It did not take long for images to arise, together with weeping and crying. Yet this time it did not really have to do with me, it was transpersonal material that was surfacing. Something belonging to past generations was being cleared away.
Wherever on my body I would put my fingers very lightly, images and emotions would arise. This lasted for a few days; during these times, I had the feeling that I was healing the traumas of past generation; grandparents and beyond, but mainly on my father's side.
A strange phenomenon really!
By the end of the second week, I was almost ready to leave the group. I had the feeling that I was getting nowhere with the Kan & Li practice and something in me had had enough. Yet I felt it would be a pity to stop at this point. My competitive mind was geared towards the three week goal, whilst my body-mind system was giving signs of 'too much'.
I did not listen to the latter and continued into the third week.
The Kan & Li practice was now in related with the heart and it felt right for me. I felt more at ease, after all isn't it what I was doing, being loving and caring for myself, being in a 'yes' with what wanted to surface.
Gratefulness and compassion started to emerge. Not towards anyone in particular, more towards existence itself for giving me this growing opportunity. It struck me how existence is giving me (us) everything I (we) need in order to move towards more consciousness. Its compassion does not seem to have any boundaries, any limitation. In reality there is no separation between me an existence, I was in contact with my own compassion. To understand this, to be with this, brought joy and relaxation; peace in me. The 'meaning' of life, of existence became apparent.
It felt as if life has no intention whatsoever, except to expand, to grow into more consciousness. A non-intentional intent.
Maybe this haiku from Basho - "Sitting silently, doing nothing, Spring comes and the grass grows by itself" - is a reflection of this.
The last day of this retreat was slowly approaching and a sort of fear was also starting to rise. It felt a little shaky to leave this safe womb-like environment, to leave this energy-field created by all of us. What will it be like to see light again? What will it be like to be able to walk seeing my path?
We would leave at night, when all outside lights had been turned off; yet wearing sunglasses to protect our vision. Someone would ring a bell to let us know that 'all was clear'. That moment came and I moved towards the main door. To be actually outside I had to pass a few layers of dark plastic curtains that had helped maintain the darkness in our 'dark room'.
When I lifted the last layer of curtain, I started to 'see' things around me. I almost fainted as this experience was so powerful. Luckily there was a tree I could grab to prevent from falling. It took me quite a while to get used to seeing again, even in the dark night and with sunglasses on!
In fact I could not really get used to the light; I had to go back into the dark room. There I felt safe and relaxed. It was only a few hours later that I was able to really go out and wander around the grounds. The forms, the colors felt so crisp, so sharp; yet it felt aggressive each time an electric light would get automatically turned on. As day was slowly dawning, this natural transition helped me enter this new day, enter this new territory.
My sunglasses were a good help too and I felt I had to keep them on during the whole day, slowly getting accustomed to normal light.
What an experience this was!
A month has past and I can see that changes have happened in me at a deep level and that I am slowly integrating these changes. I feel I have met 'love' at a very deep inner level and that the outcome is a more compassionate vision of the people and the world around me.
As a result of this Darkness experience my mind is certainly quieter, inner silence prevails more.
As I recall the experience of these three weeks in darkness, gratitude is immediately present for all those who made this experience possible. A bowing down in gratitude is the inner gesture that arises.
~~~
1 This refers to a Zen story on awareness and meditation - here is a very condensed version:
"A disciple had come to see Ikkyu, his master. The disciple had been practicing for some time. It was raining, and as he went in, he left his shoes and umbrella outside. After he paid his respects, the master asked him on which side of his shoes he had left his umbrella.
As he could not answer, he was refused. Ikkyu said: "Then go and meditate for seven years more."
"Seven years?" the disciple said, "Just for this small fault?"
Ikkyu said: "This is not a small fault. Faults are not small or big - you are just not yet living meditatively, that's all. Go back, meditate for seven years more, and come again."
2 EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a comprehensive, integrative psychotherapy approach. It contains elements of many effective psychotherapies in structured protocols that are designed to maximize treatment effects. These include psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, interpersonal, experiential, and body-centered therapies
More later...
Namaste to you all
yves-rakendra
Questions? - contact rakendra
All I could foresee was that it would certainly help to relax my nervous system. During childhood I had had a few head injuries and I have never been able to completely heal these traumas. Even though I did work on these traumas in various workshops and individual sessions, there was never a sense of completion, so... maybe a stay in darkness, going back in the womb would calm down my nervous system.
Time passed….
A few months ago my body gave signs that something was not right. Lots of belly and lower abdominal pain, constipation, fatigue, etc…
So I decided to take the time to care for myself and started a four month healing journey that included fasting, colon cleaning, massages and resting; the last chunk of that journey was to be this Darkness Retreat.
I did a little bit of research beforehand and read about the scientific aspect of this process (darkness technology) and how, during a prolonged stay in darkness, the pineal gland is activated and transforms melatonin into serotonin and then into DMT (demethyltriptamine)…. thus enabling higher spiritual planes of consciousness to be experienced and to open the door to greater love and compassion.
I also read about the techniques that we would use but they felt complicated and way beyond my understanding at the time. All this was very interesting, yet not really helpful for me at that point; everything remained so mysterious!
Do I really want to put myself through such a process?
I began to doubt…
Yet somehow I recognized that this was the mind at play, with its load of fears creeping in. The fear of dismantling, disturbing some well interwoven layers of security.
I entered the unknown, I entered Darkness!
I was lucky because I had arrived a few days earlier and was able to become familiar with the room and its environment. Although the room was already fully 'blind', electricity was available, so I could get my bearings clear before D-day.
The bed is here, the bathroom there, toilets here, shower there, and so on and so forth… I was also going to share the space with another participant, so I had to make sure to set up the space with some kind of boundaries so that our toothbrushes, our clothes, etc… would not get mixed up!!
I also set up my eating corner. I was taking some food supplements so I had to make sure that in the dark, I could recognize which bottle contained what and where it was!
One does need to know on which side of the shoes the umbrella is!1
This preparation also helped me to relax a little with finding my way around. On the Sunday night 7 pm, after a short introduction, the waiting was over, the retreat had started. I would now be in the dark for 21 days!
A few pearls of sweat started oozing from my forehead….
I could understand the principles, the goal, the intellectual side of it all, yet to physically put into practice something that had only been explained in the dark, was a real challenge to me. I felt as if I had jumped three grades at school.
Yet I was not stressed too much about this, it felt that practicing this technique was not really my goal for these next three weeks. What was I here for then? Well, since there was nothing else to look at but darkness wherever I turned my eyes, whether outside or inside, the only thing I could do, and was here to do, was to turn inwards!
I soon got the answer when I started noticing that my body was in stress when eating or doing simple little things. What was that? What should I do, how to take care…. can I let release what wants to be released? Some fear started creeping in…. panic too… I must add.
It was not really 'new stuff'; to some degree I had already met all these before, so my introspective mind was in a way puzzled; what was behind all this?
A voice came from somewhere, never mind where it comes from, "let the weeping and crying do its work". So I did….
One thing that did help me during this phase was to use to consciously move my eyes from side to side2 with the intent of moving through and transforming this crisis. It acted as a walking stick that helped me remain conscious and centered in the midst of the emotional crisis.
I was surprised because this was not a technique that I only was vaguely familiar with; the impulse of using it must have come from a deeper source of wisdom in me?
It was healing for me to go on these tours, in the silence of this room. It healed the fear of darkness; it made the silence much more familiar.
I went through a sleeping phase. As soon as the practice was taught, I would fall asleep… a wave of doubt arose – I should be attentive… - and again I relaxed with this and felt warm and cozy drifting off during the practice. It felt like I was being nourished in a different way. Still, a part of me really wanted to do the Kan & Li practice, but it was getting more difficult for me, as in the second week, the practice was getting more complex.
The first week was connected with the Hara, the life center and the second week with the solar plexus. Something in me resisted this process.
My roommate had left after the first week, so I now had the whole space for myself and this was a relief for me as my weeping and crying seemed to bother him. Besides having the whole room, the whole space felt like a treat for me.
If I applied this to my own search, it could be something like: 'by turning inwards and taking care of my own darkness, I will be able to find the light, the source of being'.
Well, the strangest thing was that the more time past, the more I was going inwards, darker was the darkness, darker and darker and darker. It seemed that darkness had no end, yet this darkness was not quite the same, it started to carry a certain luminosity, a kind of 'friendly fragrance', something of a feeling of: 'yes I know this place' it's my own territory. Also, at times it would feel as if there was a full moon light shining somewhere. Yet darkness remained dark!
During the sharing time, some participants mentioned that they were seeing "violet lights", "red lights", etc… I was a little puzzled; for me, wherever I turned my eyes, darkness was there! Yes at times it 'kind of' felt as if I was under a full moon light but that sensation was impermanent, it had a 'touch and go' feel.
What was my initial intention? Did I really have a clear intent? I had to admit, "not really"; my intent was vague, something in me knew why I was here but that knowledge remained on a non conscious level.
So… let's just be with what is happening, rather than pursuing some non realistic goal. An understanding emerged out of this. Looking back at my life I saw that many times I had done things in reverse order.
Wherever on my body I would put my fingers very lightly, images and emotions would arise. This lasted for a few days; during these times, I had the feeling that I was healing the traumas of past generation; grandparents and beyond, but mainly on my father's side.
A strange phenomenon really!
I did not listen to the latter and continued into the third week.
Gratefulness and compassion started to emerge. Not towards anyone in particular, more towards existence itself for giving me this growing opportunity. It struck me how existence is giving me (us) everything I (we) need in order to move towards more consciousness. Its compassion does not seem to have any boundaries, any limitation. In reality there is no separation between me an existence, I was in contact with my own compassion. To understand this, to be with this, brought joy and relaxation; peace in me. The 'meaning' of life, of existence became apparent.
It felt as if life has no intention whatsoever, except to expand, to grow into more consciousness. A non-intentional intent.
Maybe this haiku from Basho - "Sitting silently, doing nothing, Spring comes and the grass grows by itself" - is a reflection of this.
We would leave at night, when all outside lights had been turned off; yet wearing sunglasses to protect our vision. Someone would ring a bell to let us know that 'all was clear'. That moment came and I moved towards the main door. To be actually outside I had to pass a few layers of dark plastic curtains that had helped maintain the darkness in our 'dark room'.
When I lifted the last layer of curtain, I started to 'see' things around me. I almost fainted as this experience was so powerful. Luckily there was a tree I could grab to prevent from falling. It took me quite a while to get used to seeing again, even in the dark night and with sunglasses on!
In fact I could not really get used to the light; I had to go back into the dark room. There I felt safe and relaxed. It was only a few hours later that I was able to really go out and wander around the grounds. The forms, the colors felt so crisp, so sharp; yet it felt aggressive each time an electric light would get automatically turned on. As day was slowly dawning, this natural transition helped me enter this new day, enter this new territory.
My sunglasses were a good help too and I felt I had to keep them on during the whole day, slowly getting accustomed to normal light.
As a result of this Darkness experience my mind is certainly quieter, inner silence prevails more.
As I recall the experience of these three weeks in darkness, gratitude is immediately present for all those who made this experience possible. A bowing down in gratitude is the inner gesture that arises.
"A disciple had come to see Ikkyu, his master. The disciple had been practicing for some time. It was raining, and as he went in, he left his shoes and umbrella outside. After he paid his respects, the master asked him on which side of his shoes he had left his umbrella.
As he could not answer, he was refused. Ikkyu said: "Then go and meditate for seven years more."
"Seven years?" the disciple said, "Just for this small fault?"
Ikkyu said: "This is not a small fault. Faults are not small or big - you are just not yet living meditatively, that's all. Go back, meditate for seven years more, and come again."
Namaste to you all
yves-rakendra